Love & Relationships

Five Tools To Have The Relationship You Want

Written by AMY J. WATERMAN

how to have the relationship you want



I Trust My Boundaries
I Follow My Feelings
I Choose My Words
I allow every moment to be a surprise

I trust my boundaries – I trust myself: I know I will not knowingly toss my pearls before swine, throw myself into the path of destruction, hide from the truth, go along with or tolerate something that is damaging to me. Now I can move to my feelings.

I follow my feelings – I follow my emotions around my body and into my heart because they are my compass in the world. I love my feelings and know that I must go where I am, be where I am, feel what I feel, and go through the feeling if I want to feel better. Now I can speak.

I choose my words – I am committed to clear, direct, feeling based communication. I honor my feelings by expressing them from my heart without trying to influence or attack my man. If I choose, Now, I can let go of the result.

I allow every moment to be a surprise – I don’t have to know every outcome, I don’t have to manage every situation, I don’t have to make sure everything goes the way I want, and I absolutely don’t have to know what my man is going to say or do next.

Because I know what I will not tolerate, because I can feel what I feel, because I’ve stated clearly what I feel and don’t want, I can let go of control.


The words and thoughts in italics are about him – so it’s his business only! – It’s Not my business, And it’s Off Limits!

The words and thoughts underlined are about me and my feelings — and so it’s My business; It’s about being Vulnerable & Real; It’s the Way to go.

When you find yourself thinking and wanting to speak Control Speak — Stop Yourself! (I recommend simply putting your hand over your mouth — it’s what I do!)

Instead of verbalizing Control Speak, substitute a Feeling Message from Surrender Speak. Don’t worry or think about coming up with the perfectly stated Feeling Message.

Just choose the words from the Surrender Speak list that feel the closest to what you’re actually feeling, and be as simple, short, and direct as you can. After a few days (really — that quickly), if you’re even just a little bit brave, you’ll get the hang of it!

Why is he doing that? What is he doing? What is he feeling? What are you feeling? What do you mean? I’ll bet I know why he’s depressed Oh, he’s just — etc. Oh, men are just like that; There’s so much tension between us. He must be…mad, upset, having childhood memories, etc.

Instead – use
SURRENDER SPEAK – I feel mad, sad, glad, afraid, scared, angry, happy, disconnected, confused, shaky, uncomfortable, weird, upset, lonely, tired, exhausted.

Why does he always have to do that?
You never listen to me!
I need you to do this or that

Instead say – I don’t want to do this, what do you think?

What’s going on with our relationship?

Instead say – I don’t want that kind of relationship, what do you think?

Not noticing when he does something nice

Best approach: Thank you. I like that tie, I like how you look, I love this restaurant – I feel so good here, I feel so good with you, that feels so good, etc.

I want you to pick me up, open my door, etc.

Instead say: I’m old-fashioned. I don’t feel comfortable meeting men, calling men, planning dates, etc.

When you switch from Control Speak to Surrender Speak, everything in your relationship will change.

You will change — for perhaps the first time, you will get in touch with what you are really, actually feeling at any given moment, instead of being in your head about what your date or mate is doing or thinking.

This will change him — for perhaps the first time, he will experience all the pressure he normally feels actually lift away. He will want to move closer to you.

The relationship will change — for perhaps the first time, there will be the opening for intimacy.

It may be scary. It may feel messy. But you will also feel such relief and happiness at the almost instant positive results, you’ll be motivated to continue using the tools.

***There are many, many more moments to switch from Control Speak to Surrender Speak than I can describe here — so MAKE A LIST OF YOUR OWN WORDS.

Think about the conflicts that come up over and over again.

On the left half of a piece of paper, write the words you would usually say. Imagine how you might actually feel at that moment, and substitute Surrender Speak – a Feeling Message instead.

Write it down on the right half of the paper. Then, when the same situation comes up again, and you’re on the spot, you’ll already have words you can use without trying to get creative!


I use the word Overfunctioning to describe working so hard in a relationship: Giving, leading, stepping in, rescuing and doing stuff that your man is supposed to be doing.

Stopping Overfunctioning is the fastest way to get connected to a man. When You stop leading, you get to experience how it feels to follow: Sometimes it feels wonderful, sometimes it’s disappointing, and sometimes it’s scary.

Are you always feeling drained by your relationships, as though you’re the one always rowing the relationship boat?

Well, I’m going to ask you to stop rowing. To actually put down the oars, sit back in the boat and enjoy the ride. If your man is at all capable, he’ll pick up the oars and start rowing all by himself, without you asking him, directing him, pleading with him, or explaining why he should.


Sometimes, we get so used to complaining, finding fault, and looking at the downside of men, we can’t even give the man in front of us a chance.

If you’re with a man now, when he does something you like – anything, even something small, something so tiny you would normally dismiss it – say “Thank You.”

If you’re dating, focus on who the man sitting next to you watching a movie, or sitting across the table from you trying to carry on a conversation, or standing in front of you awkwardly trying to get up the courage to walk over and start a conversation, actually is – instead of focusing on how he’s already not measuring up to your “Dream Man.”


Men can’t love us for what we do. They love us for who we are. And most of us still haven’t made peace with who we really are.

In fact, most of us have spent our lives figuring out how to keep people at a distance, rather than how to draw people in closer. And often, we deliberately keep the men who would love us the most and make us the happiest as far away from our hearts as we can.

Use the Rori Raye Mantra and Translations to speak from your heart and let good men in. Invite them in. Trust yourself to follow what feels good to you – not necessarily what feels thrilling and exciting and dramatic – but what feels warm and, well, Good!

When things feel stressful, and you want so much more than you’re getting from your man, instead of picking up the oars and rowing the boat, instead of retreating to your defenses and pushing him away, Trust Your Boundaries, Follow Your Feelings, Choose the Feeling Words of the Affirmations, and then … Be Surprised !!!

You may find your man picking up the relationship oars, leaning in toward you, turning off the television to pursue you into the kitchen, asking for a commitment, or rekindling the fire of what you thought was a dead marriage.

Believe that you deserve what you dream of. Appreciate yourself rather than asking your man to appreciate you. Give to yourself instead of giving to him. Treat yourself like a Queen, and so will he.

Best of Luck in Love & Life

(Five Tools to Have The Relationship You Want courtesy Mind Of Man)

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