“In relationships, just as in every other aspect of life, the spirit and attitude with which you do things is at least as important as your actual actions,” says Dr Phil McGraw, author, former child psychologist and host of The Dr Phil Show which is based on real life strategies.

Most lovers are vested in their relationships, but somehow, keeping all pieces together can be a challenge sometimes. If you fall in the category of those looking for solutions or ways to keep your relationships happy, knowing what the warning signs are could be of tremendous help.

How to keep your relationship from crumbling? Here are 6 quickest ways to ruin your relationship shared by Dr Phil on his show.

Do you Control or abuse your spouse?

Partners who control and/or abuse the other tend to be violent, mean, degrading, and have an opinion about everything. They are dominant and insensitive. The other person finds themselves feeling beaten down, depressed, helpless and struggles with repressed anger. Doctor Phil attributes such unacceptable behavior to deep-seated insecurities. He writes, “If you’ve always got to be right, then you’re ready to fight till the end. No truer words were ever spoken,” says Dr. Phil; “you will fight to the end…the end of your relationship. You can’t be self-righteous or obsessed with control and do what’s best for the relationship at the same time.”

Defining your relationship with jealousy and insecurities.

Always checking up on your spouse, calling their cell phone constantly and snooping around in their emails, Facebook and other personal spaces opens relationships up for hurt. It is sometimes an indication of a lack of trust and deeper underlying problems in the relationship.

Lying, and deceiving your spouse about important matters.

Relationships should be a partnership. Hiding financial problems, health issues and other important matters of the home and family can be a serious source of friction. Struggling to keep up with and fix these causes the partner to become angry and aggressive towards the one not in the loop. He encourages open communication. “Be up font and forthright,” advises Dr Phil “Strive to express your feelings in a mature and responsible way. By being honest about your emotions, you base your relationship upon integrity rather than lies and deception.”

Do you involve the in-laws inappropriately?

Sharing not-so-good qualities of your partner or unpleasant aspects of your relationship with those closest to you leaves a lasting impression on them and makes these loved ones dislike your spouse. They are not there when you make up and while you may forgive and move on, family members continue to nurture negative feelings about your partner. Meanwhile, on the other hand, the resentment in your partner who feels unfairly judged grows because boundaries have been crossed and he/she feels his person invaded when loved ones try to protect you and interfere in your relationship.

Do you and your spouse fail to be a united parenting front?

Children know how to divide and conquer… and they are quick to pick up when parents are on different pages as far as discipline and parenting. This fuels ill feelings between the parents, especially the one who takes on a more disciplinarian role. On the other hand, the children involved get confused and grow up, not fully understanding the rules and why they should be respected. Kids model after their parents and mimic what they see and live. Never fight infront of the children.

Do you ignore your spouse’s intimacy and sexual needs?

The relationship in the bedroom is a direct reflection of your day to day relationship. There should be a natural flow when partners get intimate with each other. Women are more emotional and find it difficult to relax and go with the flow when they are feeling abused, insulted, disrespected, resentful, etc during the day. Discuss your needs with each other and remember that this aspect is just as (if not more) important as every other aspect of the union.

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Hello to all of my Dunia Magazine readers, it’s me again Ms. Destini Whitis and I thought I would just drop in and touch on a more serious but common topic for the day – Lying and Cheating.

So when I write about this I know I’m going to hit a lot of you guys’ nerves, but know that it’s all for the good. When you are in a relationship sometimes there is a lot of lying, fibbing, story-telling, or how ever you want to justify the word “LIE”. Because at the end of the day it is what it is, nothing more, nothing less. In my opinion I don’t see the need to lie, but for many it’s a way out or better still, the only way. The question is “How can you tell if your spouse or partner is lying?” and “What lies do men and women tell when they are cheating?”

Now for this topic I reached out to the people and asked these questions, the responses were not that many, I am guessing no one wanted to talk about their own experiences, yet those who commented gave great insight into this topic.

What’s the Point?

I was surprised because one of my Facebook friends commented with a response that I didn’t think I would receive, and coming from a person who is very intelligent, I was pleased. Thank you Mr. Jerry Dancer for your comment: “I don’t understand the point in lying or cheating…if you feel the need to cheat you should just leave in my opinion. And I don’t see why people lie because if you tell one lie, you got to tell another lie.”

That is so true I’m happy someone feels that dishonesty in wrong whether it’s lying or cheating.

White lies are not no innocent

Once I started reaching out more, Ms. Apraysha Hilton wrote, “If my spouse is lying he avoids eye contact & if I ask any questions he jumps up in defense or gets loud for no reason….. Speaking from a female’s perspective, I have used lies such as, I’m going to spend the day with an old friend I haven’t seen in forever, or I say I need some time to myself to get my thoughts together, or if he knows a guy is involved in the situation and he doesn’t trust them I just say he’s like a brother you have nothing to worry about he isn’t like that.”

More comments started to roll in and this one comes from my very best friend Ms. Brandy Duhon, “She’s going out with her friends, she’s working late, my mom need me to do something for her, I’m going shopping, I’m having car trouble, I have to bring so and so some where…”

Mr. Rickey Wooden said: “I can tell that she’s lying if she smiles unnecessarily or lifts her head, now that’s funny because I know someone who does the same thing, LOL.”

The cell phone is more than just a phone

Then I received another comment from a man’s point of view again on the subject and Mr. Mercedes Anderson wrote, “I think one of the ways to know that your spouse could be cheating or lying about something is when you’ve been together for a while and he or she locks their phone and acts funny when you ask to see it.”

That’s a really good one there, I must agree on that because why else would you lock your phone when it’s so much easier to just make a call instead of having to unlock it first before making the call? What if there is a real emergency and you can’t unlock it fast enough? I guess you are just S.O.L. Sorry you guys that’s not funny or maybe it is.

Still on the subject of cell phones, how many of us go through our partner’s phones, and in some situations notice there are only male or female contacts and you know your man doesn’t have that many male associates to the point where everyone in their contact list are only men … and most of the names you’ve never heard him mention? Chances are, he is hiding something; either he doesn’t want you to know about certain “friends” or he is making sure you don’t find out about his other “female friends”. We women tend to hide our secret “friends” too, we tell you that they are our sisters, old classmates from school, friends, associates, or even our mother’s new number.

Not worth the effort

My niece also commended on the subject but it seems like she asked then stated the answers, “Why do men lie about having a woman [girlfriend]? I mean if you don’t want to claim her then don’t be with her. Men don’t come to women with all that I want to be with you, you’re the only one for me, you hold the keys to my heart, you’re the one I wanna grow old with mess … because really you’re going to be just like the rest and push us women to the side like a piece of meat.”

Cheating equals inflicting hurt

This past week I know of a friend who was and is still having problems in her relationship, but for this friend what hurt her most was when her spouse told her they had met this girl, had a few conversations about meeting each other and carried the whole ideal of seeing each other out. When your relationship is going through a difficult patch, that’s what you go and do? Boy I tell you!

Whenever one partner goes out and meets others in secret, that’s considered cheating and it often causes pain and evokes feelings of betrayal.

Some will hang on, some will not. Ms. Shanice Guffie said her man put a ring on it and she is not about to let him go, no ma’am.

The truth hurts, but should be spoken

In my experience with the situation at hand, I wouldn’t know what to say or what lie to tell because truth be told I can’t lie to save my life, and if I do come up with one I always get caught, so for me I just decide to tell the truth. It’s not always what they want to hear but at least they would be able to handle it better.

Partners go through the whole “you lied to me” thing just because somewhere in the situation there is a lack of trust on someone’s part; if you love the person you are with, you should trust them with all your heart, but then for some of us even though we love the person, that doesn’t mean we truly trust them, either because they have let us down in the past or because of previous relationship hurts.

I know in relationships there are always going to be problems and challenges. What you might want to do is reach out to someone who genuinely cares about your relationship, like family or a trustworthy mutual friend. They make good mediators.

At the end of the day we all need somebody to love and most of us will take what we get. It’s not every day that lies and cheating will happen, but it doesn’t have to happen to you. If you have tough skin and can deal with it, then whatever floats your boat, I’m happy for you.

In some cases lying and cheating is a part of spousal abuse and just because you say you’re sorry or you won’t ever do it again does not mean it’s okay or it did not break the person’s heart, mind, body, or soul. Cheating and lying leave deep emotional scars that might never be forgotten. So be careful how you treat the one you “love”.

It is important that as men and women, we should also learn how to RESPECT our lovers so that they won’t feel disrespected or taken advantage of. Let’s just LOVE, LIVE, and LAUGH.

Before I go, my special people, you ladies remember what Betty Wright said about the clean–up women (aka mistresses or women of the night), “please don’t fall victim to it”.

For you men out there, ya’ll better think about Mr. R. Kelly; he told you guys once before when a women’s fed up, it isn’t nothing you can do about it.

Thank you guys once again for all of your feed back; to ones who didn’t make the cut catch me next time, this is your #1 Diva signing off.

Destini Whitis

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In a relationship there are many challenges that you have to deal with, for many of us some of these challenges seem bigger than others. Then there are those little challenges that make the bigger challenges seem “normal”. Let’s discuss 6 pointers that’ll help you find happiness in your relationships:

Communicate. In most relationships, the biggest problem is “lack of communication” or just plain not listening to your spouse or partner, which causes so many problems to the point of argument and let’s face it no one really likes to argue with their partner about simple things, so just take the time to listen to the other person’s needs or wants and thoughts.

Points don’t matter. Relationships should always be equal and should never have a point system based upon who makes the most money, who does the most, or who doesn’t do anything at all. Keeping score of what our partner is contributing or not contributing to the relationship usually leads to frustration, anger and friction … all unhealthy for the relationship. Relationships should be based on love and only love alone.

Your partner is not a mind-reader! I think it is very important to talk about everything whether they are good or bad because that’s what counts and it will make the relationship a whole lot stronger. There is nothing wrong with expressing yourself to your spouse about anything that is going on in the relationship because in my opinion I believe nobody is a mind reader, and I believe if there are any people out there who do read minds they should be very rich & busy people because that’s an art that is virtually impossible (that was just a little joke of mine to brighten up the readers who are reading my article).

Trust your instincts. If people think of their relationships like they do life and approach the person they plan to spend their lives with as such, they would find out that life and relationships go hand in hand. In life we learn to trust our instincts with love, so we follow our hearts. So how can you tell if your spouse is your true mate indeed? Simple: you will feel it like a burning fire that’s directly in your path; you trust that the person is right for you and your heart will guide you on your journey.

Perfection doesn’t exist. Nothing and nobody is perfect and you will go wrong for thinking that’s the way it is. So if you look for that in anyone you will never have a long lasting relationship, then you will second guess anyone who tries to express who they are as a person because you are looking for perfection.

People are not always who they present themselves to be. Yes I know we do have those “pretenders” out there, so be smart, take your time and get to know a person’s true intentions before you commit and go off doing things you will regret later on in life. Regret is a terrible thing to live with.

As time goes on if you learn to trust in God and be real with yourself you will always have a beautiful relationship that will have a bond no one can break. Thank you for taking the time out to read my opinions on relationships,

Destini Starr Whitis

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Helen Fisher

Quote
“Love has no desire but to fulfill itself. To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.” Kahlil Gibran

Photo: Psiconauta

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