By Imane Fawzy Nofal

Why would anyone give to another a gift of lingerie? Seriously, isn’t that too personal? While the gift-giver won’t be exactly asking about when you wore the lingerie and what happened afterwards, it’s a kind of interference into one’s personal space, isn’t it? Or is it a cultural thing? Yeah, it could be. It is a culture that is so pleasure and desire oriented to such an extent that it doesn’t differentiate between what is proper and what is not.

I am one of those persons who does not really like people looking into my undies. Yet, I was repeatedly asked why I deviated from normal procedures and didn’t share with my female guests my new wardrobe after my marriage. The culture goes like, “… you are actually showing off how much you have spent on the new dresses, trousers, shoes … etc including lingerie.” And, I go, “get the hell out of here!”

Of course, I couldn’t say that to my mother in law who was astonished at my stance – that would be rude; yet I tried as much as I could to explain that we all have different beliefs that we adhere to.

Later on, I learned that one of my friends received a lingerie gift from her mother in law and I felt, “haha, what a carefree and passionate mother she is!”

Actually, if lingerie is such a public thing, why don’t we go out in the streets in them? Or maybe we can get grooving in publicly so that everyone can have his/her take on how effective they are? Akh! Isn’t that disturbing and negatively charged, when we feel the world around is invading our privacy?

So, the lingerie thing is not the only thing my mother-in-law and I don’t see eye-to-eye with. Recently, I had my mother in law on board for two weeks. I have not had any serious problems with her in my marriage of four years. Pleasing her has always been a priority, mainly because I believe that no matter how old the mom is, she remains the MOTHER, a name that is sacred and worthy of love. Although I have taken it upon my shoulders to please her, it’s impossible to stop some of the interference and comments from her; to which I usually responded in a fun way. By the end of her visit, I realized that I had been piling up negative situations and tensions had been mounting as I shoved everything under the rug by my “funny ways”. Now, I am like an angry bull!

Regardless of who gets on your nerves and upsets you by their actions; whether it is your husband, mother in law, a friend, colleague, relative or even your child, you should always give your ego some alternative defense mechanisms. Yes, I can now clearly remember Freud’s defense mechanisms where our ego (conscious self) acts to defend against the id’s (inner self) conflicts. It states, “defense mechanisms are unconscious psychological strategies brought into play by various entities to cope with reality and to maintain self-image. Healthy persons normally use different defenses throughout life … The purpose of ego defense mechanisms is to protect the mind/self/ego from anxiety and/or social sanctions and/or to provide a refuge from a situation with which one cannot currently cope.” (Wikpedea).

It is so interesting the different reactions we seek to relieve ourselves! “Why did I handle the situation with my mother-in-law the way I did?” I ask myself.

Quite a simple categorization for defenses can be according to George Eman Vaillant’s (1977):

• • Level I – pathological defenses (i.e. psychotic denial, delusional projection)

• • Level II – immature defenses (i.e. fantasy, projection, passive aggression, acting out)

• • Level III – neurotic defenses (i.e. intellectualization, reaction formation, dissociation, displacement, repression)

• • Level IV – mature defenses (i.e. humour, sublimation, suppression, altruism, anticipation)

I do not mean to be too scientific but I am trying to dig deep to find mechanisms that help me go on with my life stresses. Simply put, we all encounter negative emotions and at times cannot easily get over them. We need to optimize success in our lives. We need to act like healthy adults who adopt mechanisms that enhance “pleasure and feelings of control. These defenses help us to integrate conflicting emotions and thoughts, whilst still remaining effective.” It needs much sanity and logic from us. In a nut shell, we need to be virtuous ourselves to disregard the misdeeds of others and minimize their size and effect on us.

 Imane blogs at Express It 2 Live It

Tell us: How do you handle misunderstandings with your in-laws?

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By Imane Fawzy Nofal

Well, I have a problem with myself. Sometimes, I boast about being me, I feel proud, happy and confident. At other times, I don’t like myself so much, I feel upset, frustrated and have low-esteem. I know quite well that life is composed of ups and downs and that this is normal. Yet, the downs seem like a thorn just around the corner of the heart. When your heart beats, it slightly touches the thorn, and the pain starts starts … clearly and well defined, the pictures sharper than the cameras of the cinema. A flashback and I can see myself and whoever has hurt me in my mind. I feel the tears rising, the ache is heavier, lungs feel full, breathing is shorter and it all ends! It is a strong emotional melt-down that pokes your pride and lowers your self esteem.

This is me when I face a hurtful situation. Sometimes, we let these hurts pile up because we feel that we cannot change them. It tends to make us feel helpless, as if we are letting ourselves down, disappointing our families, and we don’t know how to go on and overcome these feelings. Could it be that I don’t accept certain aspects of myself or that I need to explore other aspects and realities about me?

Do you know why most girls love Cinderella? I would say because she is beautiful, and although none of us have or will ever meet her, we are sure of that beauty. In my opinion, her story is also about the simple depiction of the beauty of soul – her sweetness, tenderness, elegance, delicateness, and patience. She obviously is not filled with jealousy, pride, strife or any of the feelings that make us sick at heart.

The beauty of the soul is such a sublime state that we need to reach in order to relieve our hearts and souls of the burden of remembering ill [bad] memories. Getting there needs conscious effort, faith and support. People around you are key elements in inspiring you. I pride myself in trying always to associate myself with those whom I feel are good at heart and have some great goal they are working to achieve; and so, do not bother themselves about who is where, or what is going on.

So here are some key aspects of a few special people I know, the things that stand out about them and help relieve the pain of the weeping soul and replace it with a caressing one:

• 1. Slma: So enthusiastic, and high spirited; she has faith and persistence in her goals! She has set for herself a life trajectory that she is building.

• 2. Hedaya: ‘a friend in need is a friend indeed’! She cares for others like she cares for herself. She has such faith in God that I have never seen in any.

• 3. Lavina: Such determination! She knows what she wants, what she can accept and not accept. Simply, she has defined a set of principles that she is highly sticking to.

• 4. Catherine: So gracious! She is a chic lady, in her talk and walk. She follows her own path which is light and rhythmic.

• 5. Shaema: So helpful! She told me once that she wants to be with people. She has much belief in the community. She cares to help people and seeks experiences that can help her be a better person.

Well, I have my own set of values and goals supported by the people I know. They all help me stay on my track which has some (a few) deviations at times. Simply put, they help me accept the me in me!

Imane blogs at Express It 2 Live It

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By Imane Fawzy Nofal

Our mothers have helped us grow into the adults we are today; they have taught us a lot, haven’t they? Yes, as mothers we are always concerned about what is best for our children. We care much about what we introduce into their lives and make sure the timing is appropriate. The first thing we think about in such situations is “is my kid ready for this?” For myself, I have always considered this an act of responsibility rather than of love. Personally, I have had an unusual experience with motherhood (you can go back to my article notes from an ungrateful mother) – it didn’t really come to me naturally. Simply put, to me, “motherhood is a journey through which women learn how to be mothers”.

In the last few months, I have chosen to home-school my twins. At first, I thought about enrolling them in nursery school … primarily, to relieve myself of the burden of trying to engage them all day in activities order than spilling my coffee, pulling my hair, slapping each other, crying, throwing tantrums, jumping over the furniture and if I flash forward, climbing up the ceiling.

During a discussion with a friend sometime ago, I learned she was homeschooling her 5 year old daughter and was thoroughly enjoying the experience. Because I admire her relationship with her daughter and thought she’s a great mother (which I don’t always see myself as), I immediately felt this was something worth doing. I accepted the challenge. Wanting to LOVE my children wholeheartedly, I am now HOMESCHOOLING my twins.

Homeschooling is basically educating your children at home by creating a child-friendly environment full of activities that’ll help them grow and develop; on a deep mental level, it is about going into a child’s mind, learning what they are interested in, introducing new things in fun and innovative ways, letting them explore, and above all accepting and embracing them as children and not being bothered by their silly childhood acts.

Fortunately for me, I was introduced to a group of ladies who care deeply about their children’s education. Our weekly gatherings are usually planned by assigning the lesson of the week to a mother who researches what is most appealing for her child and then organizes her playschool accordingly including songs, physical activities, some crafts and snack time, and we all share in the experience.

For the most part, I like that I am getting to make new friends who teach me the value of loving and caring for my children. I no longer spend time idling on Facebook, yelling at my twins because I am frustrated; I don’t leave them to cope all by themselves, on the contrary, I engage myself in their world and interact with them.

This is how my facebook status read a few weeks ago “today I came to a realization after two and a half years of being a mother, that I never knew my children and had never had any real fun with them! When I first found out I was going to be a mom, only negative emotions had come into my mind: frustration, depression and negative thoughts. Well, I won’t go into more details about that phase, but I can tell you that these days, I have realized that my children aren’t just puppets who need to be fed and have their diapers changed; their reactions and receptive abilities just amaze me. The problem is that I had never realized that children do imperfect and messy things to grow into more perfect disciplined creatures. They need much patience and contemplation on my part on how I want to mold their future. They need to scribble on papers in order to draw straight lines afterwards. I am now more for the idea of homeschooling because although children obviously can learn in any environment, it helps moms (like it did me) discover another side of themselves as well as our children.”

And yay, I DO love my kids!

Imane blogs at Express It 2 Live It

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By Imane Fawzy Nofal

Protesters speaking with army personnel, one of them on the tank in Tahrir Square. Photo by Laura Schlichting.

‘I don’t care.’ Read out the sentence ten times and write it down randomly on a white sheet of paper. That was my upset friend Amira, expressing her frustration at our physics private tutor; she repeated this phrase a dozen times, ignoring him as he lectured. I can clearly recall that I too was upset but no clear reason comes to my mind. I literally miss those days some ten years ago. Of course, I don’t miss the frustration, nor the physics lesson, but I miss my friends with whom I enjoyed so many round circles of gossip and hilarious acts of mischief.

Yes, at that age, we were more innocent, happy and we had mood swings and fought over the most trivial things, did “crazy and forbidden things” and imagined a bright future when we grew up! Nothing was foisted upon us, we merrily embraced our beliefs and perspectives; we thought “we are free”.

As the years went by and we became adults, we began to realize that freedom is a bit more complicated. It goes beyond saying ‘no’ to your mother or choosing to skip lectures; it’s a serious and sensitive issue. Freedom means something different to each one of us and fits into our lives differently. Out of our group of four closest friends, two have traveled out of Egypt, and two still live in the country. Through the years, knowing each other like we did, we haven’t been surprised by one another’s choices.

When The Egyptian revolution erupted, many things changed for my countrymen, differences became obvious and glaring, and misunderstandings ruled.

Personally, this revolution hit home because one of us was very involved. She is Kholoud Saber, she is the revolutionist amongst us. She is the one on the streets now, one of thousands and thousands of Egyptians out there fighting for their country and the most trustworthy person for me in this revolution. I can remember she’d always shown a keen interest in politics from a very early age. I recollect she used to participate in demonstrations against Israel, she organized and partook in campaigns against the central security forces’ interference in the college … and she is blacklisted by the Egyptian police.

Out of the dozens of media outlets, I only trust her word. Yet, our point of view is not totally the same.

I am no politician. I have had no real financial problems in my life. I have spent many years outside Egypt and the years I spent in Egypt have been good ones. None of my relatives have been brutally detained or tortured in the hands of the police and armed forces.

Growing up, I remember the police academy and military colleges as being the dreams of so many. These days, at 26 years old, things have turned upside down. The country seems to have become involved in politics and nothing else seems to be important; seeing wounded and murdered people everyday is now the norm as if Egypt is some occupied country; our believe and pride in the policemen and militants is gone. This seems to be the only way to see things in Egypt right now.

The police and military seem to be tyrants who have betrayed Egypt and murdered its sons. A few months ago, it was believed that the army protected Egypt’s revolution, forced the president to step down and promised to provide a timeline for the democratic transfer. Now, the believe – by protestors – is that the army deceived the people, it didn’t actually protect the revolution but has rather stolen it for its own ambitions of power!

Everything is possible when we consider how quickly our Arab dictators were toppled. Am I saying dictators? Yes, honestly, that wasn’t what I would have called them a year ago. I actually used to consider Mubarak a tragic hero whose flaws and mistakes led to his fall. Laugh at me, for I am one of those who prefers to think good of people. To all of a sudden have to question and reverse all you’ve believed in is very disturbing … and could lead anyone to the verge of a psychological chaos or breakdown.

What hurts me more than all the murdered and wounded, is the astonishment and disbelief I sense from some of my friends, especially Kholoud. Why do people mock me and others who hold the same views as I do? Is believing in the good nature of the military now considered a sin? Why are we called stupid? Is this what you call democracy? Why should we all pay attention to one side of the accounts? Should I only view videos of killed protestors, and shut off the TV when it comes to talks about spies and paid agents amongst them causing trouble?

Ok, here it is in a nutshell, I am against any more protests until white is clearly differentiated from black, until thugs are picked up and until presidential elections are held. Although my belief in SCAF (Supreme Council of the Armed Forces) is not as strong as it was before, I still think the security of the country depends on them; for it is the only body that can discipline and exercise force if necessary. I believe if SCAF left now, Egypt would become a prey and pawn to all the different political forces; thugs will have no deterrent. I am not for violence, I am not for blood, but I am for discipline. I do not condemn SCAF for murders, yet I condemn it for its failure to protect the people, for its failure in arresting thugs, for its loose hand on the ground. Until the time of elections comes and until we have clear and clean evidence – other than people’s charges and videos – I will consider it, dear Kholoud, the key to Egypt’s security … with apologies.

Imane blogs at Express It 2 Live It

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