By Lema Abeng-Nsah

Man is at his very core a social being. Because of the very nature of our societies and communities, it is virtually impossible for anyone to be an “island” or to operate in a vacuum. We are always meeting new people and forming new relationships — and in the process, friendships grow. Friends make us happy, secure and bring sunshine into our lives. According to Rebecca G. Adams, a professor of sociology at the University of North Carolina, Greensboro, “In general, the role of friendship in our lives isn’t terribly well appreciated. There is just scads of stuff on families and marriage, but very little on friendship. It baffles me. Friendship has a bigger impact on our psychological well-being than family relationships.”

It is important to guard, nurture and appreciate our friends. So, what makes these people so important and how can we make sure they are getting the best of us? Here are the ingredients of good friendships:

Genuineness. Friends “like” each other. There should be nothing fake about friendship. These healthy relationships are rooted in love, the bonds of which are trustworthy. It is never about what either party stands to gain, but all about just having that person in our lives. Friends are dependable and protective of each other’s interests.

Non judgmental: Friends love you just as you are! Always supportive, a friend’s business is not to criticize you, tell you what to do and how to do it, instead friends believe in each other, and have no hidden agendas. You should be able to throw all caution to the winds and just enjoy being around your friends. Interestingly, the Nurses’ Health Study from Harvard Medical School found that “the more friends women had, the less likely they were to develop physical impairments as they aged, and the more likely they were to lead a joyful life“. The researchers concluded, that “not having close friends or confidants was as detrimental to your health as smoking or carrying extra weight“.

Loyalty. Friends will always have your back! Loyalty solidifies such relationships. Rarely is there back-biting, gossiping, and spitefulness; true friends never gloat over your mistakes or snicker when you fall. What makes friends so priceless is that they stand by each other and are always the first to lend a supporting hand. The last thing a friend of character would do is throw the other under the bus. Good friends are always in each other’s corner … and this comes naturally. If loyalty between you seems forced and does not come naturally, this might be a cue to rethink who this person is to you … your relationship just might fall in the category of a “mutually beneficial arrangement”.

Mutual respect. You are precious just as you are! It’s all about respecting and appreciating all the differences in character, personality, career paths, etc … and never wishing the other person was different. Most importantly, “changing” or “fixing” the other should never be on the agenda. A friend respects your thoughts even when they do not agree; and never thinks he/she is superior.

Open communication. Talk to me about anything! Unless it’s superficial, friends are not afraid to discuss deep-seated feelings, thoughts, vulnerabilities, dreams and fears — knowing there’s trust and love. Friends know how to listen and not make it all about “me”. You can afford to let your guard down around friends and simply be yourself.

Forgive and forget. I still love you … regardless! Things are not always perfect. Yes, there will be misunderstandings and arguments, but friends don’t let these stand in the way. Friends sometimes make mistakes and even when they let us down, we are still able to forgive and wipe the slate clean …  knowing that the intention was not really to cause pain. Hardly is there tension, mistrust, resentment between good friends.

As we grow older, it becomes obvious that a few good friends are better than a bunch of fake … or may I say, toxic ones? Once in a few years, do a friendship scan or audit in order to determine who is who. We must not mistake non-friends for real friends, even when they profess to be the real deal and claim to know and understand us.

While friendships are of utmost importance in our lives, it is important to understand other types of relationships as well.

The following video is on Bishop T.D. Jakes’ take on relationships:

Let’s cultivate friendships, take time to appreciate our friends and tell them how much they mean to us. They are the flowers of our existence.

Lema blogs on Face2Face with Success

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