by Lema Nsah
Well, this is one of those testy topics that I am sure you will either agree with or think of as ‘utterly senseless’, but the truth is since Dunia Magazine provides the platform for cross cultural discussions, I thought to ‘lay it out on the table’. By confronting and discussing these things, we might actually begin to break the ice … that I am sure you agree exists.
In as much as my intention is not to generalize or stereotype, I am writing this article based on real life experiences and events.
Earlier this year, I believe in January, a client walked into my office, his name JD (I am sure he is going to read this article). For the record, JD is an African American male and I am an African female. He was a first time client, so we began to chit chat as I worked on his papers. We talked about travels and different people we had met; the conversation turned to marriage as I was obviously wearing my wedding ring; he asked if I was married to an African, I said “yes, of course,” then he asked if my husband was a doctor. I answered ‘no’, laughing. Oh well, he says quite a few African men he knows are doctors … ha,ha,ha. That’s when he asked me why it is so uncommon to find African women who date or marry outside their culture, especially to African American men. I thought about this for a few seconds … I kinda agreed – African women do marry outside their race and culture, but it’s more common to find them married to Caucasian men. Personally, I only know a handful of girls from Africa who are married to black American men.
So, wanting to know what my friends thought, I posted this question on my Facebook page:
One of my clients, an African American male asked me an interesting question the other day: “WHY IS IT THAT IN THE U.S. ESPECIALLY, YOU DON’T OFTEN FIND AFRICAN WOMEN WHO MARRY OUTSIDE THEIR CULTURE, ESPECIALLY TO BLACK AMERICAN MALES? …”
There were quite a few comments left, mostly by African females; unscripted, they show real undiluted thoughts that run in our community. I will summarize them into the following points:
The ‘devil’ I know
African women prefer to deal with the guys they know; in line with the popular saying, “I’ll rather deal with the devil I know, than an angel I don’t.”
Superiority complex
African American men do not often ask African women out. A couple of girls felt that the African Americans tend to think that they are superior to Africans, showing less respect for them than the Caucasians who are more open to learning about different cultures.
Distrust
African women tend to believe that African American men are ‘playas’, looking for a good time. It was stated that those who do ask African women out are not usually looking for serious long term relationships and African ‘sistas’ out here in the diaspora are often very much aware of their ticking biological clocks; they have no time to waste playing around.
Not much in common
Fundamental cultural differences serve as a huge divide between both groups; they do not share the same values for the most part. Most folks “tend to be comfortable with the culture they can identify with”, Anthony said.
Not enough interaction
Diane kind of hit the nail on the head when she wrote: “On my part, I think both parties have bought into the stereotypes. Reality is we don’t interact enough with one another. Only by so doing and gaining adequate knowledge/understanding of what angles we are all coming from will the demystification process begin …”
In a few words …
Lisa summed it up when she wrote: “… seriously good points all around. Stereotypes, cultural differences, a natural wariness of the unfamiliar and other complexities – let’s admit a fair number of Africans feel superior to African Americans – all play a role. The question is, are these perceptions justified or not? Some African sisters are happily married to African American men. I think the same rules should apply for cross-cultural/mixed race relationships as for any other: does he/she love, respect, and value you and the relationship? Is he/she a morally upright and responsible person? But given the low degree of interaction between both communities, it’s little wonder few ever get past first base and these all important questions never even come up.”
I would say, having lived in the united states for almost 10 years, I have had the opportunity to work with African Americans on a regular basis, and have gotten close to many who are now like family. Personally, I believe that there are huge walls of ignorant stereotypes between us when we first meet, but once these are broken down (which happens especially when both groups have no choice but to get along), we begin to find that we really have a lot more in common.
Unfortunately, like Lisa said, most Africans and African Americans never really ever get pass ‘first base’. It’s our hope at Dunia Magazine to begin to bridge these divides.
Looking forward to hearing from you, please leave an honest comment.
Photo by BrinsImage Photography
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What a fascinating read. One word is responsible for this discord between African women and AA men – STEREOTYPES. I also know many African men who would never marry African women. They prefer AA women. That’s another issue altogether. At the end of the day, I think we should just all focus on ourselves and try to be the best we can be. What the late Michael Jackson calls “if you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change.”
Great article!
Most African American men are involve in the baby mama saga, and is uncommon in the African culture. On the other hand, some African women are too up tight, wants to stay around their own kinda people, eat same kinda food everyday, speak their same kinda lang 24/7 and don’t wonna try something different. People with those mind frame will never date outside the box…I’m just saying..
AA men and african women maybe the same color, but I think thats where the similarities end.The cultures are different making it difficult to really get along. It takes 2 open minded and worldly people to click and be able to deal with these differences.
I disagree..somewhat.. i’m Nigerian and have blacks ask me out all the time. It’s a class issue.( not I live in the south and don’t come in regular contact with educated black males. Up North and things may be different. And yes we are warned by parents to stay away from AA men… (that’s obviously based on the negative image of AA in Western Media..scary)
Like most of your articles, this is a deep issue. Most african women were brought up with the notion of being provided and catered for by their men. So even when they become the bread winners, they still make it look like their man is doing it all. However, it is the reverse with most AA men who are provided and catered for by their women and even take pride in it even when they could take care of themselves and their partners as well.Dont get me wrong, there are still a good number of AA men who find pride in taking care of their women as they ought to.
I think t here is alot to this article. I am a west african female living in Harlem, originally from Guinea. it’s interesting because this area is mostly AA and African. about 3 blocks make up what we call LIttle Senegal, but there are many West African immigrants here from other countries. You would htink they would mingle more but in reality there is a divide. and more, we are mostly Muslim over here.
I do get approached by AA men sometimes, bu t most of the time they didnt think i was African,t elling me ‘you don’t look African’ which leads me to think what they believe Africans look like. Finding out we are African they seem to be intimidated by this for some reason.
AA men and African women don’t really move in the same circles, at least not that much right now, i think in about 20 years or so when the first generation comes of age, this will change. As far as having things in common that is true, but i feel two people can connect despite cultural differences. There exists alot of misconception, mistrust still between AA and AFrican people. You can find the other side more, African men and AA women getting together, but it’s easier for a man to go after a woman i believe. since he does the approaching!
I will also mention alot of African men would not look well upon African women dating AA men, for whatever reasons. just the truth
Personally, I will date an educated and mature African American man….But where are they? The few that are around my age group have already been taken…. And I think that could be the same for other Sistas.
A rational mind will begin to ask why the fuss on African women/men not marrying African American men/women arise in the first place when, the fundamentals of marriage are better laid down only in a comfortable pre-knowledge of partner’s ways,style,believe systems,foods “CULTURE”. The rest will be super construction which will endure survival only because, we self accuse using words like:stereotypes, AA Men, African women/men, superiority complex etc.. to make us guilty and subdued. I think that,marriage goes way beyond sexuality which i see as the crux of this mask debate. Do not be too polite and end up losing a tooth.